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  • Page 5 of 151 FirstFirst 12345678910111213141555105 ... LastLast
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    Thread: Daily Chuckle

    1. #81
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      Click image for larger version. 

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      right, la_cole???

    2. #82
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      OMG...

      This one hits a little too close to home!

      Last night as I left workl; I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down, checked bags etc... I was looking for my keys. They were not to be found.

      Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My husband has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition.

      My theory is the i...gnition is the best place not to lose them. His theory is that the car will be stolen.

      As I burst through the door, I came to a terrifying conclusion. His theory was right. The parking lot was empty.

      I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.


      Then, I made the most difficult call of all, "Honey," I stammered; I always call him "honey" in times like these. "I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen."

      There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard his voice. He barked, "I dropped you off!"

      Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come

      and get me."

      He retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your car."


      Yep, it's the golden years.

    3. #83
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      Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married....

      ..... If this does not make you laugh out loud, you have lost your sense of humour.....

      The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls'.
      I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!'

      Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.
      Around 3 am, a bit loaded, I headed for home.

      Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up
      and cuckooed 3 times.

      Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.


      I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
      (Even when totally smashed.... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos total 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT!)

      The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in?

      I told him'MIDNIGHT'..... he didn't seem pissed off in the least.Whew, I got away with that one!

      Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock!'

      When I asked him why, he said,


      'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh ****' cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table ."



    4. #84
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      I urgently needed a few days off work, but, I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave.

      I thought that maybe if I acted 'Crazy' then he would tell me to take a few days off.

      So I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

      My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing.

      I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss might think I was 'Crazy' and give me a few days off.

      A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, 'What on earth are you doing?'

      I told him I was a light bulb.

      He said, 'You are clearly stressed out.' Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.'

      I jumped down and walked out of the office...

      When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her, '..And where do you think you're going?!'




      You're gonna love this....)




      She said, 'I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark.'

    5. #85
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      GRANDPARENTS ANSWERING MACHINE


      Good morning . . . At present we are not at home but, please Leave your message after you hear the beep.
      beeeeeppp ....
      If you are one of our children, dial 1 and then select the option from 1 to 5 in order of "arrival" so we know who it is.
      If you need us to stay with the children, press 2
      If you want to borrow the car, press 3
      If you want us to wash your clothes, press 4
      If you want the grandchildren to sleep here tonight, press 5
      If you want us to pick up the kids at school, press 6
      If you want us to prepare a meal for Sunday or to have it delivered to your home, press 7
      If you want to come to eat here, press 8
      If you need money, press 9
      If you are going to invite us to dinner, or taking us to the theater, start talking we are listening!!!!!!!!!!!"
      Last edited by sharon w; December 26th, 2012 at 11:22 PM.

    6. #86
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      Another Blonde Joke here

      After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of
      the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, 'Well, then,
      maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a
      pair of alligator shoes for free!'
      The shopkeeper replied
      with a sly smile, 'Well, little lady, why don't you go on
      and give it a try?' The blonde headed off to the swamp,
      determined to catch an alligator.
      Later in the day, as the
      shopkeeper was driving home, he spotted the same young woman
      standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.

      As he brought his car to a stop, he saw a huge 9-foot gator
      swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the
      blonde took aim, shot the creature and hauled it up onto the
      slippery bank. Nearby were 7 more dead gators all lying
      belly up. The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in
      silent amazement as the blonde struggled mightily and barely
      managed to flip the gator onto its back. Then, rolling her
      eyes heavenward, she screamed in frustration.....
      'CRAP! THIS ONE IS
      BAREFOOT, TOO!

    7. #87
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      Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

      Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

      Woman: Oh, I see.

      Officer: Can I see your license please?

      Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

      Officer: Don't have one?

      Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

      Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

      Woman: I can't do that.

      Officer: Why not?

      Woman: I stole this car.

      Officer: Stole it?

      Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

      Officer: You what?

      Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

      The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

      Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle
      please!

      The woman steps out of her vehicle.

      Woman: Is there a problem sir?

      Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

      Woman: Murdered the owner?

      Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

      The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

      Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

      Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

      The first officer is stunned.

      Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

      The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

      Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

      Woman: Betcha the lying bastard told you I was speeding too.

    8. #88
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      'SCOTTISH Three Kick Rule'

      A Glasgow lawyer went duck hunting in rural Aberdeenshire . He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

      As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

      The old farmer Peter replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

      The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial lawyers in Scotland and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

      The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Mintlaw. We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'

      The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"

      The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

      The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

      The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!

      His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

      Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old man. Now it's my turn."


      (I love this part)

      The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."



      When you are educated, you'll believe only half of what you hear.
      When you're intelligent, you know which half.


    9. #89
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      One morning, a blonde called her boyfriend and said, "Please come over and help me. I have this awesome jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to start it." Her boyfriend asked, "What is it a puzzle of?"

      The blonde said, "From the picture on the box, it's a tiger." The blonde's boyfriend figures that he's pretty good at puzzles, so he heads over to her place.

      She lets him in the door and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then he studies the box.

      He turns to her and says, "First, no matter what I do, I'm not going to be able to show you how to assemble these pieces to look like the picture of that tiger.

      Second, I'd advise you to relax, have a cup of coffee, and put
      all these Frosted Flakes back in the box.

    10. #90
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      One morning, a blonde called her boyfriend and said, "Please come over and help me. I have this awesome jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to start it." Her boyfriend asked, "What is it a puzzle of?"

      The blonde said, "From the picture on the box, it's a tiger." The blonde's boyfriend figures that he's pretty good at puzzles, so he heads over to her place.

      She lets him in the door and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then he studies the box.

      He turns to her and says, "First, no matter what I do, I'm not going to be able to show you how to assemble these pieces to look like the picture of that tiger.

      Second, I'd advise you to relax, have a cup of coffee, and put
      all these Frosted Flakes back in the box.

    11. #91
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      Thanks for the chuckle Brenda.
      A smile is a curve that straightens everything out.
      Click daily for both https://thebreastcancersite.greatergood.com and http://www.brotherearth.com/en/top.h...k=BrotherEarth

    12. #92
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      A great way to start the day - thanks, Brenda!

    13. #93
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      The pic does not open, Shastasmom.
      Never give up, never surrender.

    14. #94
      'Tis love we get when love we bring
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      what photos. I don't even see a link
      A smile is a curve that straightens everything out.
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    15. #95
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      reposting photo
      lacole's family summer vacation at the spa
      Click image for larger version. 

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    16. #96
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      This is Your Captain.
      That's what it looked like on the Spaceship too!

    17. #97
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      Nice and warm... Got out just before we were stewed!
      Never give up, never surrender.

    18. #98
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      That picture is so funny! A great way to start a new day - with a chuckle!

    19. #99
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      They enjoyed it so much, they lost their heads. LOL
      A smile is a curve that straightens everything out.
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    20. #100
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      Another Blonde Joke

      A young blonde girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighbourhood.
      She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
      "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the porch" he said. "How much will you charge me?"
      Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"
      The man agreed and told her that the paint and brushes and everything she would need were in the garage.
      The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband,
      "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"
      "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" he responded.
      The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes."

      A few hours later the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
      "You're finished already??" the startled husband asked.

      "Yes," the blonde replied, "and I even had paint left over so I gave it two coats."
      Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and
      handed it to her along with a $10 tip.

      "Thank you," the blonde said, "And, by the way, it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

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