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  • Page 7 of 151 FirstFirst 123456789101112131415161757107 ... LastLast
    Results 121 to 140 of 3015

    Thread: Daily Chuckle

    1. #121
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      pennykasteel's Avatar
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      I've now had my daily laugh, thank you all.

    2. #122
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      This is Your Captain. Something a little racy from my sister....

      A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.
      The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won t remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay. You'll walk again and everything. However, your "manly organ" was severed in the accident, and we couldn't find it."

      The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9,000 in insurance compensation coming, and we now have the technology to build a new "manly organ". They work great but don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."

      The man perks up.


      So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five-incher before and get a nine-incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine-incher before and you decide to only invest in a five-incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."

      The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.

      The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"

      "Yes, I have," says the man.

      "And has she helped you make a decision?"

      "Yes" says the man.

      "What is your decision?" asks the doctor.

      "We're getting granite counter tops."


      hmmm - my sister is renovating her kitchen........

    3. #123
      'Tis love we get when love we bring
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      The poor man. I'd of at least given him a 1 incher. LOL
      A smile is a curve that straightens everything out.
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    4. #124
      You know you love my juggling cow.
      is just not sure if I'm coming or
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      I agree with you shastasmom

    5. #125
      The mirror lies; actually, I'm young and GORGEOUS!
      is still away with the fairies
       
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      But granite counter tops are SO nice.................

    6. #126
      The mirror lies; actually, I'm young and GORGEOUS!
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      And all us sisters live our lives quite nicely without any extra inches hanging around - so he can adjust!

    7. #127
      You know you love my juggling cow.
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      A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.


      The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

      The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

      Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

      The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.

      The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to ****?'

      The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.



    8. #128
      'Tis love we get when love we bring
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      Smart little girl. thanks for the chuckle.
      A smile is a curve that straightens everything out.
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    9. #129
      Twinkle, Twinkle Pretty Star
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      I love it. Thanks for the laugh.

    10. #130
      You know you love my juggling cow.
      is just not sure if I'm coming or
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      A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

      As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

      The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.'


      The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'

      Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'



    11. #131
      Active Forum Member
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      Lightbulb What do Angels Wear?

      A small girl was fascinated by Angels and wanted to know all about them. She had endless questions and although they tried to answer all her queries there were just some questions her parents could not give satisfactory answers to. After one long session her Mom suggested she asked the Priest following Sunday service. The following Sunday was a special service and there were two priests. The little girl was delighted.

      She waited until most of the congregation had left the building and then when up to speak with the first priest.

      “How can I help you, my child?” he asked.

      “Do Angels wear bras?” asked the little girl.

      “They need all the support they can get.” He replied without a flicker of a smile.

      She wasn’t really happy with the answer so turned to the second (more senior) Canon.

      “Do Angels wear bras?” she demanded.

      The Canon thought for a while and then reassured her:

      “Only Lady Angels.”

      The child went away very happy.
      Last edited by Patchwitch; June 3rd, 2013 at 03:52 AM.

    12. #132
      You know you love my juggling cow.
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      Kids give us so much material!

    13. #133
      You know you love my juggling cow.
      is just not sure if I'm coming or
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      As I say kids give us so much material!A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

      After explaining the commandment to 'honour' thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?'

      From the back, one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'



    14. #134
      'Tis love we get when love we bring
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      Sounds like that little guy has thought about doing just that. Thanks for the chuckle.
      A smile is a curve that straightens everything out.
      Click daily for both https://thebreastcancersite.greatergood.com and http://www.brotherearth.com/en/top.h...k=BrotherEarth

    15. #135
      You know you love my juggling cow.
      is just not sure if I'm coming or
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      O ne day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

      She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?'

      Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.'

      The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Mummy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'





    16. #136
      'Tis love we get when love we bring
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      Out of the mouth of babes.
      A smile is a curve that straightens everything out.
      Click daily for both https://thebreastcancersite.greatergood.com and http://www.brotherearth.com/en/top.h...k=BrotherEarth

    17. #137
      You know you love my juggling cow.
      is just not sure if I'm coming or
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      Another reason not to mess with kids.
      T he children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

      'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'

      A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'




    18. #138
      A good neighbor!
      is the seamstress for the band
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      Default A great Lesson on Stress

      (this is an email going around and I'm in a funk , needing the boost, so I thought I would share it here too. I can envision the sayings in embroidery..new idea for inspirational wall hanging?.)I will have to find # 15.But I'm not going to stress about it!

      A young lady confidently walked around the room while leading and explaining stress management to an audience with a raised glass of water. Everyone knew she was going to ask the ultimate question, 'half empty or half full?'... She fooled them all .... "How heavy is this glass of water?" she inquired with a smile.

      Answers called out ranged from 8 oz. To 20 oz.


      She replied , "The absolute weight doesn't matter. It depends on how
      long I hold it. If I hold it for a minute, that's not a problem. If I
      hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my right arm.

      If I hold it for a day, you'll have to call an ambulance. In each case it's the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes." She continued, "and that's the way it is with stress. If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, as the burden becomes increasingly heavy, we won't be able to carry on."

      "As with the glass of water, you have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again. When we're refreshed, we can carry on with the burden - holding stress longer and better each time practised.So, as early in the evening as you can, put all your burdens down. Don't carry them through the evening and into the night... Pick them up tomorrow.

      1 Accept the fact that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue!

      2 Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.

      3 Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.

      4 Drive carefully... It's not only cars that can be recalled by their Maker.

      5 If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

      6 If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

      7 It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

      8 Never buy a car you can't push.

      9 Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on.

      10 Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

      11 Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.

      12 The second mouse gets the cheese.

      13 When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

      14 Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.

      16 Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once.

      17 We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names and all are
      different
      colours, but they all have to live in the same box.

      18 A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a
      detour.

      19 Have an awesome day and know that someone has thought about you
      today.

      AND MOST IMPORTANTLY

      20 Save the earth..... It's the only planet with chocolate!

      Today someone asked me if I liked you. I laughed, and I said, "Ha! That's funny!! I absolutely LOVE that woman!! She's funny, caring, crazy as heck, sweet, beautiful, she's reading this email right now & I love her!!"

      Be the kind of woman that when your feet hit the floor each morning the
      devil says~~ "Oh Crap, She's up!"
      Last edited by sharon w; June 9th, 2013 at 08:17 AM.

    19. #139
      'Tis love we get when love we bring
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      Penny, I so agree, 15 needs to be worked on. I'm also not sure that #13 is so bad, what's wrong with everything coming your way, but then again maybe going your way would be better.
      A smile is a curve that straightens everything out.
      Click daily for both https://thebreastcancersite.greatergood.com and http://www.brotherearth.com/en/top.h...k=BrotherEarth

    20. #140
      You know you love my juggling cow.
      is just not sure if I'm coming or
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      What great advice Sharon. here is another of my offerings.
      A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.'

      'Yes,' the class said.


      'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?'

      A little fellow shouted,

      'Cause your feet ain't empty.'




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